I Just Don’t Know Anymore …

I’ve been with the same person for 12 yrs. and I still don’t know if this is it for me. Maybe bcuz I’m 29 and we’ve got a 12-13 yr. age gap between us. Maybe there’s still more people I’d like to date and more to Life that I wanna experience. But I should know by now if he is the one I want to spend the rest of my Life with. I mean 12 freakin’ years ?? We’ve already passed a decade together. Maybe he’s right ? Maybe I am no different than his ex-wife ? He constantly compared me to her throughout our entire relationship and 47 days away from taking the BIGGEST step in ones Life and walking down the aisle I just got lost. As the title says … I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know who I am, who I’ve become, where I’m heading in Life, what my future has to hold, I just don’t know. That small sentence … those five(5) simple words have been my answer to everything these past few days … I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYMORE !

Do you Love him and want to spend the rest of your Life with him ? I Just Don’t Know Anymore !

Do you think you’ll make a good wife ? I think so, but honestly I just don’t know Anymore.

Do you still want to be in this relationship ? I think I know the answer but I just don’t know anymore !!

I think the stress of the Wedding has just led me to a nervous breakdown where I just wanna cancel everything and say FUCK IT !! part of me says “Forget it ! I don’t wanna get married anymore.” But the other part of me says “Noooo … you’ve come this far, planned this much, and bought so much for the wedding you can’t turn back now.” But honestly I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I still wanna get married or ever wanna get married at all. I don’t know what I’m doing or what I’m thinking. I just don’t know !! Seriously I am at a point where I want to put a gun to my head, pull the trigger hoping that the bullet hits me right, and puts me outta misery. I don’t know what I want. I used to know or at least I think I used to. But now everything is just a blur and my Life is swirling like I’m a piece of poo being flushed in a toilet. I am completely lost ! What I want and need right now is complete and utter loneliness. I wish there was a magic closet or box I can hide in to think about my Life and what I want from it cuz right now I don’t know anything. *Takes a Deep Breath* Maybe I should get some sleep. It is 6am and I haven’t gone to bed at all, yet. I think I’ll get some rest and see if maybe when I wake up I will know what I want. I shall post back later then. G’Morning to everyone on my side of the globe – G’Night to everyone on the other side of the globe. Am I going to be sleeping next to someone I’m going to/want to spend the rest of my Life with … I just don’t know anymore.


One thought on “I Just Don’t Know Anymore …

  1. SanoChi says:

    You already spent so long with him. Not getting married would just mean nothing changes. I say go for it and see what happens.

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