I Just Don’t Know Anymore … Part 2 *Update*

Well, I said in my previous post that I will update regarding how I’m feeling. All I can say is I know I’m depressed cuz last night was a sleepless one. All I did was toss and turn acting like a kid with ADD I was restless doing one thing or another trying to burn off my energy and fall asleep. In the end I did get some sleep but when I woke up I was still depressed. I don’t know what the plans are for the upcoming wedding. I haven’t canceled anything, YET ! But I did contact the chapel to let them now of a possible cancellation as well as notifying guests via Facebook of the possible cancellation.

All I can say is I just feel emotionless and numb inside like I can’t feel anything. You could probably stab me and I wouldn’t feel it just say Ow and still have this empty look on my face. I just feel completely lost ! I’ve lost everything. I don’t know who I am anymore, why I’m here on Earth, What is my purpose in Life, I don’t know what do to or where to go next down this Journey called Life.

At times I just lay in bed and feel as if I’m falling deep into the never-ending universe. I feel as if my Soul has left my body and I’m just a zombie or Lifeless doll. Sometimes I feel like I’m bleeding inside and slowly my body is filling up with the emptiness with the blood that spurts out of my Lifeless heart. A heart that no longer pumps for anyone … A heart that no longer is full of ambition … A heart that once held dreams and goals … is now just a heart pumping just to keep me alive.

I look in the mirror and blankly stare at the reflection that is looking back at me. I touch the reflection gently caressing the person staring back at me wondering what happened to me. Where’s that cheerful girl who had no cares in the world and was full of Life, Dreams, Ambition, and passion for living. Where’s the happy person that everyone knew and Loved ? Who is this person that is looking bad at me. I don’t know this person. I don’t recognize the face, the tears, and the darkness that surrounds it.If I think back to the person I once was. I picture rainbows, puffy clouds, smiling faces, and a Carebear Care-a-lot like environment. But the person I see now lives in a Dark world with Death, Sadness, and a River of Tears.

Last night when I finally did get to sleep I had a dream that I was on a raft drifting down the River of Stix where I saw all the Loved ones who’ve passed. I got off the raft and started climbing a steep cliff where they were sitting around a bonfire laughing and having a great time. I yearned to join them but no matter how much I climbed I never got any higher or near them. It was endless ! I remember sitting on a rock being taunted by their laughter and joy as I sat alone in the dark. I looked up at the night sky only to see the stars and a blood red-moon bleeding tears of sadness.

Some might say my dream was the work of Satan bcuz I’m currently in a vulnerable state. I’ve tried since my Sophmore year of High School after being invited to a Christian fellowship club to go from a person with no religion to a Christian but I’m beginning to lose faith or more or less give up faith. There’s no God … I know they said believe in him and he will believe in you guiding you to enter his kingdom. No matter what I did I felt God never hears me. People say pray and your prayers will be answered. I’ve prayed for others as well as myself. Others would get their prayers answer and mine were always ignored.

Before my blah-blah blog update becomes as long as a Harry Potter book let me just say that things have not changed. I’m becoming more and more depressed. I keep saying to myself tomorrow will be a better day and with time my depression will pass. Usually that is the case but it seems this time it’s going to linger for an unknown amount of time. My future is uncertain and I don’t know what I want in Life anymore. Just like my previous posting title … I just don’t know anymore. I’m Lost and feeling empty, alone, and darkness is all I see. It’s like I’m living in Epic Mickey. I need Mickey to come by with his paint brush and bring color back into my Life. WHERE ARE YOU MICKEY !!!


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